Curiouser and curiouser!

In which I acquire a fraction of a girlfriend.

Mon, 13 May 2013 18:49:00 -0400

Based on a true story.

Kissy friends are the best.

odds & ends

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:46:41 -0400

I’m getting frustrated. I am often sick of my job. I am often tired of existing.

I have less than three weeks left of class. I have to power through. I have no idea how I will manage it, but I will do it…somehow.

My cat just climbed onto my back. She likes that sort of thing.

This is the last day of BEDA! Woo! I was at least partially successful. I posted every day, although the quality and content varied greatly. I think I’ll come back for August.

I’m almost done with math class forever. I will not be taking math in college.

*goes off to attempt calculus homework*

wish

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 21:08:17 -0400

to face the sun with a smile

and greet morning as friend,

fear bleeding,

love living,

and take time apart

to build from within

and accept what’s without

misc.

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 23:13:04 -0400

So my school will be putting on a performance of The Boy Friend next weekend. I don’t understand the musical very well, as I haven’t been interested enough in the plot to pick up a script or read much about it online. However, from my limited knowledge of it, I can tell you that I completely disagree with what I understand to be the premise. The music is catchy, though.

I have three weeks of class left. This week will probably be the most stressful one. I’ve been trying to de-stress as much as I can. At work, I sit cross-legged on the floor in the break room and focus on my breathing when I have breaks. I also try to sleep a lot and avoid staying up late for homework. Lately I have been unsuccessful in this.

*yawns, wanders off to bed*

friends

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 23:57:59 -0400

I am watching television. It is quite the adventure.

I keep feeling more and more like I suck at friends. I don’t think I really have a best friend now. There are different kinds of gaps between me and other friends so that it doesn’t feel like we’re really close enough to be best friends. If I had to pick one, I guess I’d say Tiph, but…I mean…she lives in Texas, man. That’s far away from here.

I like cuddling and watching crappy television shows. I also like good television shows. And eating chocolate things. And discussing books. And geeking out about things. And staring up at the ceiling together. And having lovely conversations. And hugs.

Feel free to drop off your best friend application on any weekday between seven and four.

Or at any time, really. I made those numbers up.

picture post today!

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 13:25:23 -0400

I must prepare to attend the promenade this evening.

Here is a picture of my cat. He will not be accompanying me, unfortunately.

....and these are a few of my favourite things.

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 22:45:07 -0400

The high five that transforms to a clasped hand.

The sound of the rain.

The full moon.

The taste of melted chocolate.

The smell of the earth and atmosphere after a storm.

Warm pavement beneath my skin.

The crashing waves by the seashore.

Baby creatures of nearly any kind.

Orange juice.

Watch out for bears.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 23:25:17 -0400

When I was at the psychiatric hospital, we had to do some pretty childish activities. They weren’t so bad in the group as they would have been in a private session with a therapist. Once, we started the day with this:

Crisis bears.

We had to pick out bears to represent us in crisis, in treatment, and recovered (although I’m not sure what the word the therapist used was). In mine they are coloured red, yellow, and green, respectively. We then had to share with the group our reasons for picking the ones we did.

Look! Bear homicide!

We were supposed to put the picture somewhere to remind us to assess ourselves for feelings of crisis. I put it in a folder and stuck it in my desk.

I think what helped (more than hanging the picture would) was the amount of thought that was needed to organize the bears into the three categories. Do I do things like this in crisis? Is this how treatment feels to me? Is my goal to feel and act like this?

The bears are my most memorable recollection from the week spent there. I’m not sure what that says about me, and I must admit I don’t care what it says about me either.

reading out loud

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 23:52:00 -0400

I get very nervous when I read something out loud. It’s not that I’m intimidated by written language - I just can never quite keep my brain calm and organized enough to take note of how quickly I am reading and how well I am expressing the work.

Also, when I mess up I have a horrible habit of going “ABLGYLALAH!” or some other similar sound.

Tomorrow evening I am reading some poems at a fundraiser coffeehouse at my school. One of them is my very favourite poem of all time. I have been practicing it. After I post this, I am going to record myself reading, play it back, rinse, and repeat until I get it right. I just feel like I might not do it justice.

And in short, I am afraid.

(My favourite poem is “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T.S. Eliot.)

MDD

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 19:26:00 -0400

Its smoky tendrils curl about your ankles,
Intangible to others yet able to knock you flat on your back.
If you cry out, the response is silence
Or perhaps a weak promise
Made in an offhand way
But never kept.

Surrender is familiar and tempting, but still
You reach for a hold that can withstand your desperate fingers.
You think you’ve found one, but it fails.
You slip and then you pause.
And then, in that pause,
You lose yourself.

the final stretch

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 22:41:16 -0400

There is an hour and a half remaining in my vacation. Then it is another school week. There are very few after that. I only have twenty days of class remaining.

I am so ready to sprint through this. It will be painful, and I will have a terrible stitch in my side by the end, but I will not stop. I will keep going.

I will go to school. I will go to work. I will go read poetry at a fundraiser for Boston. I will go to prom. I will take my AP Lit exam. I will take my finals. I will graduate.

I will go to Texas.

work

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 23:54:16 -0400

I have to work twenty-two hours this coming week. I like my job enough, and I’m glad to be making money to save up for Texas. However, that is….a lot of work, considering I have school and extracurriculars going on. And it’s prom week. sense.

I love Spike and Dru. They’re so twisted and perfect.

(I’m watching Angel right now. This episode has flashbacks.)

I gave one person a hug today. Yay! I hadn’t given him a hug (or even seen him) since August or September. He’s somewhere between a friend and an acquaintance. Sometimes those sorts of people are pleasant to have.

friend

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 22:34:33 -0400

Unexpectedly expected he appeared,
Spoken of but never known until the evening.
I read a poem.
He liked the yellow fog;
I think I might know why.
He sees your heart in colours.
Mine made me pink and green and blue.
He is intriguing
And beautiful
And taken,
And for these things I am glad.

I Spy

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 22:09:45 -0400

a water bottle
Tumblr
an old monster of a computer that doesn’t work quite right sitting in the background
Quotationary
The Horse and His Boy
an empty bowl from bean salad
a Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban poster
a rather bare novella outline

Persistence!

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 23:14:05 -0400

This week is a week for finishing things.

Admittedly I have already quit the whole running thing for this week. But the one time I did run, I ran the entire distance I had planned to, and I never stopped to walk. I ran from the first step out of my front door all the way to when I got back. I felt kind of like I was dying, but I also felt successful. Huzzah!

I am going to read THIS BOOK.

I have failed to do so multiple times. For some reason I found it super boring and could never finish it. I am going to read it this week, and then move on to the other four books remaining in the series.

Tomorrow I shall clean and read and roast vegetables and write some more of my novella. I’m determined to write ten thousand words this week, and so far I’m off to a slow start.

As you can probably see in the picture, I have paint on my hands from set crew. I’m kind of proud of myself for sticking with set crew, to be honest with you. I even enjoy it a lot sometimes.

Off I go to write. Persistence!

some uninteresting details about my day

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 23:37:49 -0400

I’m going to work on my novella for a bit before I go to bed.

Today started slowly for me. I decided not to drag myself out of bed for a run this morning. I got up at about eleven. I went for a run yesterday afternoon, though. It felt good but also bad. Such is running, and such is life.

I didn’t really accomplish much today. I ordered a dress for a party I’m going to next month. I ate some cereal. I ate a sandwich. I ate come chocolate coconut milk ice cream. I went to work. I ate some chips.

I never know quite what to do during my fifteen minute breaks at work. I guess I could sit in a folding chair in the break room and stare at the clock for fifteen minutes, but that’s boring. So sometimes I dance. Today I danced a little and then did fencing footwork until I had to go back out to my register.

I am very tired and have only been up for about twelve and a half hours. Time to write. Then time to sleep.

world peace

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 23:28:26 -0400

So human beings have managed to turn the world into quite the shitshow, it seems. But there is good everywhere. There are good people everywhere. You just need to look more closely sometimes.

Violent events such as the explosions in Boston don’t arouse me into a state of patriotic anger and disgust. I just feel a little sad.

I don’t hate the people who committed the act of violence. I feel a sense of compassion. Something inside them is broken, and they probably don’t even know it.

This is different from supporting their actions. It’s supporting them as human beings, in an intangible way.

None of this lessens the pain and heartbreak of the victims. I realize that. As a nation, we mourn. As a species, we mourn. We mourn the loss of life, the loss of a sense of hope and beauty and peace.

Don’t increase this loss by hating and arguing and demanding the harshest forms of this thing called justice.

Find peace, and share love. If I could, I would hug all of you.

momentum

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 23:37:04 -0400

My calendar is still on the March page. I also have a little desk calendar with knobs to turn to change the number and month and day. It currently reads “SUN 6 JAN.”

I have a heap of books I started reading, some of them years ago, but never finished.

I usually have to do my laundry over the course of several days. I won’t do it for weeks at a time, and then I get sick of it partway through and leave my clothes in the dryer for about a week until they’re good and wrinkled.

I’ve been eating too much and getting too little exercise lately. I know I should eat a few healthier things or at least go for morning jogs, but I dismiss the idea easily.

I have a journal that I wrote in quite a lot when I first decided to start it. Now I’ll go months at a time without sitting down with my pen to record some thoughts and experiences in my journal.

I tend to lose momentum pretty easily. It’s happened here on this blog, in the above examples, and in life in general. But this week I’m determined to regain my momentum. I will write a lot, do a lot, and create a lot. I’m in the final stretch of my final year of high school. I need to rebuild my momentum to carry me through.

she

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 23:40:20 -0400

A little girl used to draw mermaids, play cards, and read books alone.
She wanted to teach her cats to read.
She liked to write with quills and ink.
She wanted to be a veterinarian.

Now she attempts to play the piano, and she wants to see the stars.
She’s in the middle of climbing out of hell.
She goes out at night to play with swords.
She surrounds herself with books.

In the future, she will lock the darkness away in pages and smile.
She will embrace and love each day.
She’ll paint by her gypsy wagon’s window,
And she will keep a small garden.

She is I, and I am she.

Tomorrow is Saturday.

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 23:34:35 -0400

I usually sleep until at least eleven on Saturdays. It is my special sleeping day. But I have set crew and work tomorrow. The former starts at nine, and I am not going to set my alarm…so I will likely end up missing a sizable portion of it. Work ends at six.

Maybe when I get home tomorrow I will catch up on Grimm. I haven’t done that in a while.

Also, I have a project (not for school) that I’d like to make significant progress on in the next few days. More on that at a later time, perhaps.

I’m currently making a massive Spotify playlist that contains a bunch of songs, all by different artists. For the funsies, and for your edification.