In which I acquire a fraction of a girlfriend.
Based on a true story. Kissy friends are the best.
odds & ends
I’m getting frustrated. I am often sick of my job. I am often tired of existing. I have less than three weeks left of class. I have to power through. I have no idea how I will manage it, but I will do it…somehow. My cat just climbed onto my back. She likes that sort of thing. This is the last day of BEDA! Woo! I was at least partially successful. I posted every day, although the...
to face the sun with a smile and greet morning as friend, fear bleeding, love living, and take time apart to build from within and accept what’s without
So my school will be putting on a performance of The Boy Friend next weekend. I don’t understand the musical very well, as I haven’t been interested enough in the plot to pick up a script or read much about it online. However, from my limited knowledge of it, I can tell you that I completely disagree with what I understand to be the premise. The music is catchy, though. I have three...
I am watching television. It is quite the adventure. I keep feeling more and more like I suck at friends. I don’t think I really have a best friend now. There are different kinds of gaps between me and other friends so that it doesn’t feel like we’re really close enough to be best friends. If I had to pick one, I guess I’d say Tiph, but…I mean…she lives in...
picture post today!
I must prepare to attend the promenade this evening. Here is a picture of my cat. He will not be accompanying me, unfortunately.
....and these are a few of my favourite things.
The high five that transforms to a clasped hand. The sound of the rain. The full moon. The taste of melted chocolate. The smell of the earth and atmosphere after a storm. Warm pavement beneath my skin. The crashing waves by the seashore. Baby creatures of nearly any kind. Orange juice.
Watch out for bears.
When I was at the psychiatric hospital, we had to do some pretty childish activities. They weren’t so bad in the group as they would have been in a private session with a therapist. Once, we started the day with this: Crisis bears. We had to pick out bears to represent us in crisis, in treatment, and recovered (although I’m not sure what the word the therapist used was). In mine...
reading out loud
I get very nervous when I read something out loud. It’s not that I’m intimidated by written language - I just can never quite keep my brain calm and organized enough to take note of how quickly I am reading and how well I am expressing the work. Also, when I mess up I have a horrible habit of going “ABLGYLALAH!” or some other similar sound. Tomorrow evening I am reading...
Its smoky tendrils curl about your ankles, Intangible to others yet able to knock you flat on your back. If you cry out, the response is silence Or perhaps a weak promise Made in an offhand way But never kept. Surrender is familiar and tempting, but still You reach for a hold that can withstand your desperate fingers. You think you’ve found one, but it fails. You slip and then you...
the final stretch
There is an hour and a half remaining in my vacation. Then it is another school week. There are very few after that. I only have twenty days of class remaining. I am so ready to sprint through this. It will be painful, and I will have a terrible stitch in my side by the end, but I will not stop. I will keep going. I will go to school. I will go to work. I will go read poetry at a fundraiser for...
I have to work twenty-two hours this coming week. I like my job enough, and I’m glad to be making money to save up for Texas. However, that is….a lot of work, considering I have school and extracurriculars going on. And it’s prom week. sense. I love Spike and Dru. They’re so twisted and perfect. (I’m watching Angel right now. This episode has flashbacks.) I gave...
Unexpectedly expected he appeared, Spoken of but never known until the evening. I read a poem. He liked the yellow fog; I think I might know why. He sees your heart in colours. Mine made me pink and green and blue. He is intriguing And beautiful And taken, And for these things I am glad.
a water bottle Tumblr an old monster of a computer that doesn’t work quite right sitting in the background Quotationary The Horse and His Boy an empty bowl from bean salad a Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban poster a rather bare novella outline
This week is a week for finishing things. Admittedly I have already quit the whole running thing for this week. But the one time I did run, I ran the entire distance I had planned to, and I never stopped to walk. I ran from the first step out of my front door all the way to when I got back. I felt kind of like I was dying, but I also felt successful. Huzzah! I am going to read THIS BOOK. I...
some uninteresting details about my day
I’m going to work on my novella for a bit before I go to bed. Today started slowly for me. I decided not to drag myself out of bed for a run this morning. I got up at about eleven. I went for a run yesterday afternoon, though. It felt good but also bad. Such is running, and such is life. I didn’t really accomplish much today. I ordered a dress for a party I’m going to next...
So human beings have managed to turn the world into quite the shitshow, it seems. But there is good everywhere. There are good people everywhere. You just need to look more closely sometimes. Violent events such as the explosions in Boston don’t arouse me into a state of patriotic anger and disgust. I just feel a little sad. I don’t hate the people who committed the act of violence....
My calendar is still on the March page. I also have a little desk calendar with knobs to turn to change the number and month and day. It currently reads “SUN 6 JAN.” I have a heap of books I started reading, some of them years ago, but never finished. I usually have to do my laundry over the course of several days. I won’t do it for weeks at a time, and then I get sick of it...
A little girl used to draw mermaids, play cards, and read books alone. She wanted to teach her cats to read. She liked to write with quills and ink. She wanted to be a veterinarian. Now she attempts to play the piano, and she wants to see the stars. She’s in the middle of climbing out of hell. She goes out at night to play with swords. She surrounds herself with books. In the...
Tomorrow is Saturday.
I usually sleep until at least eleven on Saturdays. It is my special sleeping day. But I have set crew and work tomorrow. The former starts at nine, and I am not going to set my alarm…so I will likely end up missing a sizable portion of it. Work ends at six. Maybe when I get home tomorrow I will catch up on Grimm. I haven’t done that in a while. Also, I have a project (not for...
material girl, material world
I am giving one of my copies of Alice in Wonderland to the book drive at my school. It’s not a big deal in the long run, but it’s a big deal for me. I get very attached to my books. I like surrounding myself with as many of them as possible. Most of my money goes toward obtaining more books. I have Through the Looking-Glass, Alice in Wonderland, and a little paperback containing both....
I had planned on going to bed at seven thirty, but then spaghetti happened, and now I must blog. I feel pretty drained, and it’s only Wednesday. This happens to me a lot. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling better emotionally from keeping busy. I guess that’s a good thing, but it seems kind of useless when it also makes me physically exhausted. I have next week off, and these are...
pancakes after work
I like pancakes. I can eat them all the time. I’m not the type of person who segregates breakfast foods. I’m also a very impatient cook. I like my pasta al dente (and I never wait for the water to really boil). I like my brownies gooey. These pancakes have a lot of chocolate chips in them. Also, I flipped them too soon, so they are deformed. I mostly just like eating, you see. ...
standing in a river
This is a river I go to in New Hampshire on occasion, when I visit the area with my family every October. I climb around on the rocks and try to find a place where I don’t need to look at people. Leaf peepers flock to the Kangamagus Highway, so I’m always surrounded by camera-wielding people of various ages and ethnicities. Last year, I found a place to stretch out on the rocks and...
When I was younger, I worked on making a quilt. I had a sewing basket overflowing with squares of fabric in various patterns, cut for my by my mother and grandmother. I spent hours laying out those squares, trying to make it perfect. Where should the seahorses go? Next to the birds, or next to the polka dots? Perhaps under the stripes? Despite all that time and deliberation, I never made that...
I saw The Shawshank Redemption for the first time tonight. It is now on my list of favourite films. I have seen very few films, and even fewer popular ones. I hardly ever go to the movies. Once upon a time, I dated someone. That was my movie-going era. I saw: Alice in Wonderland Gnomeo and Juliet Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Sucker...
I like trains. I’ve liked them since I was small. When I was little, my father would take me and my brother into Boston on the commuter rail to spend Saturdays or holidays visiting The Magic Hat (tragically gone now), wandering Faneuil Hall, and becoming engrossed in the Discovery store (dunno if that’s still there). In the fourth grade, my father and I went on a school day. I remember looking...
“My heart, it beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours.” - Paramore “And when the wizard gets to me, I’m asking for a smaller heart.” - Amanda Palmer “Fuck I’ll give you anything if you can make the damn thing work.” - The Dresden Dolls “Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? Somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to...
A few weeks ago, I attended the Foxboro stop on the REPO!/Devil’s Carnival road tour. I could gush about the merch I got and how Terrance Zdunich said hello to me, but I’m pretty sure no one wants to hear about that. Instead of talking about the experience itself, I’m going to talk about the way it felt. Something I’ve enjoyed about comic cons, midnight releases, and the like is that there’s a...
I’m done with therapy. For now, anyway. Possibly forever. I’m done waiting, and I’m done letting myself get pushed around. I’m done immediately judging people negatively. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. A new era is beginning, as established in yesterday’s post. I’m going to be good to everyone, including myself. I have goals. Not just dreams that...
Be good to people.
This is a sentiment I tend to like and reblog on tumblr a lot. I know it’s a good idea, but I find it much easier to be driven by hatred than by kindness. Kindness takes more effort, you know? Hatred is just something you feel; you don’t have to work for it. Maybe what I’m saying is that I’m lazy when it comes to people. I’ve decided that I want to change that. This month, I will be blogging...
I have been used. I have suffered. I have invited death and sought pain. I’ve been beautiful and ugly. I have been at fault and blamed. I have forgiven and held grudges. I’ve felt pride and shame, and I have witnessed the same. I’ve used a voice too bold and words too weak, and the other way around. I’ve gone with and without purpose. I want you to be beautiful. Beautiful means strong. It means...
some more love
1. Curling up under blankets. 2. Finding people who agree with me. 3. Baking cookies. 4. Eating cookies. 5. Crossing off items on my to-do list. 6. The way snow makes everything beautiful and clean and quiet. 7. Reading in bed. 8. Feeling nostalgic. 9. Imagining the future. 10. Gleefully shooting zombies and laughing at the carnage.
Summer starts now.
I’ve been out of school for about three weeks now. The first week was spent at a mental hospital, the second at TDA classes, and the third at a family reunion/vacation in New Jersey. I wanted to blog about the emergency room experience I had before all that, but then I kept feeling unmotivated whenever I sat down to write it. Maybe it will come in the future. Maybe it won’t....
Naked Rain-Dancing Lady
Whenever I get home from anything, I pretty much just tear my clothes off. It’s a routine of mine now. If I’m wearing clothes, I get kind of sick of them. Today was a bit of a special case, though, since there was a warm, sticky rainstorm during my school’s field day. Don’t get me wrong - I like the rain. Even the sticky, icky kind is okay…if you’re not...
Ten things I love: tea children’s books lace cuddling hats long walks pigs airports hot showers handwriting Ten things I hate: happy endings ballpoint pens nail salon window displays cold showers plastic bags credit cards alcohol being patronized running out of time shaving Bloody guts x
I’m watching Grimm on demand. I tend not to watch television much, but I’ve been watching all sorts of crap on demand lately. I put on the first episode of Grimm a few minutes ago, and so far it’s difficult to say whether it’s going to be really good or really bad. It’s very pretty, though. Very dark. Okay, how come people don’t turn the lights on when they...
A bit over a year ago, I had an emotional breakdown after what I suppose had been several weeks of ookiness, although I don’t remember very much about how I was feeling before the breakdown. I was promised by my mother that she would get me whatever help I needed. That alone made me feel a bit better. …Until weeks had passed, and it was clear that nothing was happening. I tried to...
Things to do
I’m going to have a bunch of days off soon, and there’s some stuff I would like to get done. LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT. have a garden party It will probably end up being indoors, because the outdoorsy area at my house is somewhat upsetting, but there will be tea and children’s stories. catch up on Vlogbrothers videos I haven’t watched any of their stuff for months...
It’s been a while. Well, not really. I guess a week isn’t actually that long. I made a non-disgusting vegan quesadilla with Daiya mozzarella yesterday, so that was pretty cool. (I’d recommend staying away from the cheddar, though. Vegan cheddar is bad news.) Also, I got my hair chopped off on Thursday. It was definitely one of the best decisions I’ve made in my...
Ten things I love: knee socks thrift stores antique shops trains (and train stations) apple cider the colour red poetry snail mail the feeling of wanting to do outdoorsy things cats Ten things I hate: shouting snobbishness losing things losing people sneezing all the time being unable to be cheered up by someone Mondays not finding any snacks makeup paper cuts Bloody guts x ...
I went to the Wintertime Farmers Market again today. I ate an expensive brownie, then sat in The Story Emporium and read adorable things. Erin was working on some artwork, and there was Evanescence music playing. A grandfather came in with his granddaughter and was telling Erin about how they like to tell each other stories during car rides. It was just kind of awesome. When everyone...
Some good things
I have a headache and a long to-do list, and I already used my list-things-to-avoid-bigger-headache thing yesterday, so I will just mention some pleasant things. I did quite well on the English paper I wrote the night/morning before it was due. I wore tripps to school today. (I typically have to wear a uniform, so this is extremely exciting.) I have a PENPAL. And she is AMAZING. (And she...
Ten things I love: dancing in the rain books sock monkeys gnomes faeries ukulele music chocolate orange juice industrial metal combat boots Ten things I hate: chewing gum coffee the grossness of my skin (sometimes/usually) defeat homophobia dress shops at the mall artificial tans ugg boots forgetting to say “I love you” nail polish remover Bloody guts x P.S....
Farmers Market (again!)
I went to Hope Artiste Village again today! Hooray for getting out of the house! I got a chocolate chip cookie and a chocolate shortbread cookie from Eva Ruth’s. Each one was two bucks, and they were pretty good. They had a bunch of non-vegan muffins and things, and my father enjoyed trying samples. I also went to Lucky Bird/Rhody Craft 100, where my father bought me some more cute...
I’ve spent a large portion of my evening watching Mitchell and Webb sketches. They’re so delightfully strange. Some of them are very funny (to me, anyway). Others are a bit unsettling. And that is all I have to share today. I’m sure you’re very glad. Bloody guts x
This will be short, because I reallyreallyreally, like REALLY want to go to bed soon. And I slept for around two and a half hours this afternoon, so it’s not that I’m particularly exhausted at the moment. I’d just rather be finished with this stupid homework and also be asleep. I will give you five thoughts. 1. I started reading Silas Marner today. I was told it would be...
Hugs and guacamole
I quite frankly thought today was going to be awful, but it wasn’t bad at all. Kind of weird, but not bad. I got up a few minutes early to print out some crap I had to turn in (and had stayed up till the wee hours of the morning finishing), and at 6:29 I got an amusing email from Michael, my spectacular fencing coach and one of my favorite people. Then I assembled a project in my...
I am tired, and I think I have the beginnings of a headache. My brother went on a retreat this weekend, and I had to go to the closing thingamajig tonight. It was kind of a pain, since it ate up the portion of my evening that I usually spend almost-doing my homework. But I guess it was okay. It wasn’t superlong, but the place is around forty-five minutes away from my house, and guh I...
I got some much needed time out of the house today. I convinced my father to take me to the Wintertime Farmers Market at Hope Artiste Village in Pawtucket - it was pretty easy, since he apparently had been “thinking about going” or whatever. We used to go every other weekend, but we hadn’t been at all this season until today. A lot of small businesses and stuff rent space...